lately... life has been interesting, and that's the best way to put it. so many things have gone on that I don't really even know where to start...
ill start with Sunday..
Sunday, I went to a wake. My Coach's wife's mom died.. I walked in there very subtle out of respect. but as soon as I recognized his wife, the body in the casket, and my coach... emotions started. it's was the first time in a long time where I had to hold back tears. I understood, out of every other person in that room, I had to be the one to understand the way that My Coach's wife was hurting. soon after I was there I was standing there with a few girls from my team, and his wife. she talked about her mom, she talked about how her mom was in so much pain.. the next thing she said was one of the hardest things to hear.. she said how her mom was sad that shed never get the chance to meet her grandchildren that were yet to come. I think of that alot.. my husband, my kids, my friends, they'll never ever meet my mom. and that alone breaks my heart. and the last thing she said to me was what made me lose it.. she said that she watched the life slip out of her moms and I did the same thing 11 years ago... it's the hardest picture to have in my head. and I wish I knew how to get that out. every time I looked at the casket it killed me, because that's the way I last saw my mom. Twares wife was so strong to be able to look behind her at the casket her mom laid in. it killed me to watch.
right now is such a hard time. Christmas is coming, my moms birthday is 12 days away, and the 11 year anniversary of her death is less than a month away. it's safe to say she's on my mind.. but in reality she engraved in my heart. it's never gonna leave. which is okay, but I wish it didn't hurt so much. my life scares me, it scares me because sometimes I think I can't go on without her, and I wish I didn't think that way. I've had to call on god a lot. I know she's looking down on me with a smile. but it's killing me. why can't she be next to me, smiling?
the word "Why" constantly goes through my head: why why why..
I wish I knew, but I don't. that's where god comes in. I trust his plan for my life. and I trust that what is happening is what's supposed to happen, but that doesn't make the loss of my strength, best friend, inspiration, and mom any easier. mom, as I always say. the love you have for me constantly flows through my heart. PLEASE, PLEASE don't let my love leave your heart. it's more love than I've ever given, and more love than I will probably ever give. you're special. that's why you have a special, irreplaceable part of my heart, it's for you, and you alone.
I love you mom.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
This I believe...
This IBelieve…
If someonewere to ask me what the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my life was, I wouldn’treally be able to pick one. Every day I go through a situation that teaches mesomething new about myself, others, or my purpose on this earth. Although someof these situations aren’t good, I know that in the end I’ll be taught a veryvaluable lesson. Everything that happens in life is meant to teach me a veryvaluable lesson.
When I waslittle I never had a care in the world, I never knew all of the bad things thatwere happening in my life, specifically with my mom. When I was six my mom wasdiagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I had no idea that I could lose my momto this disease. Initially the diagnosis was positive, or as positive as acancer diagnosis could be. After multiple rounds of then, cutting edgechemotherapy, two stem cell transplants, most people have a hard time survivingone, and a medical bill of almost one million dollars, my mom died. January 4,2002 was the most life changing day I’ve ever experienced. I lost my bestfriend, my inspiration, my everything. I would never again have a mom I wouldever be able to gleam wisdom from. This situation is never easy, but I do knowthat my mom is in heaven for a reason. I know that I wouldn’t be as strong as Iam, without this tragedy in my life. In fact, I’ve learned that even though mymom may have died, she’s still always with me. She may have left in a physicalaspect. But the love she has for me has never, and will never leave my life.That constant, unconditional love in my heart is what gets me through everyday.
Losing a momisn’t easy in any way at all, but I have learned how to make it a littleeasier. I live my life 110% dedicated to Jesus Christ. With that come so manybenefits. I know that He is willing to take away my problems or struggles. Ilook to Him at all times because I know my mom isn’t here for a reason. I maynot know that reason yet, but one day I’ll find out. My mom was the strongestwoman I’ve ever met, she never gave up, and she always did everything to makesure God looked down and smiled. She is truly the inspiration to my life, andthe greatest person I’ve ever met. Without going through what I have, I knowthat I wouldn’t be where I am today. I believe fully and truly that everythinghappens for a reason.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
CVCA Reflection
My ninth and tenth grade year are two years that i will NEVER ever forget. Those two years were absolutely key in my life, in every single aspect. My ninth grade year was one of the hardest years i lived through. That year i started a new high school, and not knowing many people. I felt warmly welcomed at CVCA but it was VERY different from what i was used to. It never felt like school. At hudson, school was a chore. At cvca i enjoyed being around people who were living for the Lord. The difference that that alone made in my life was extreme. That year, in October, the divorce started. On October 1,2010 I ran away from my home, and went to go live with my sister. I had enough of what i was living through. and that was my last resort. My sister Kelly is my life saver, my inspiration, my role model, and the best mother figure in my life. Without her my family would not be where it is today. we've recently started to call her "The Voice of Reason" because she always seems to have a solution. Kelly always knew that the situation that Darby and I were living in was not healthy for us. She did everything in her power to get us out. She was there through every possible situation. Without her, i would not be the person i am today.
On October 1, 2010, when I ran away, was the first step to the rest of my life. That day i was sent a text from my friend Katherine, that changed my life forever. In it she said, "You've depended on yourself and your father to get you out of this bad situation and nothing has happened. Even if you're using God as a last resort, give it to Him because you wont be disappointed." To me that was the stupidest thing i'd ever heard. At that point i had zero faith in God. I thought if it's so true that God loved me so much, then why would he take away my mom, and replace her with the awful person that he did.That night, as a last resort, i prayed to God and i said "God if youre listening, please get me out of here." i said that every single day for a week. and sure enough on November 18, 2010 we were out. We were out of the house that i called home for 8 years. Darby and i were FINALLY free to live our lives. I was able to have my sister, and brother a part of my life. And i was aloud to have every one from my past come be a part of my present and future. and to me it was the biggest relief. That day i smiled and i meant it. i was for once actually happy. On November 18, 2010 i was laying in my new bed thinking about how excited i was to be out and realized that it was a miracle. i realized that God is real, i put faith in Him and i was out! that night, November 18, 2010 i fully dedicated my life to the Lord. Because i realized that the day that i looked for his guidence, that i was happy.
Time went on and i was still eager to find out who God was. and the more i found out, the more i loved. The school year ended and Pittsburgh Project was right around the corner. I knew that week was going to be very life changing, but i didn't know how. That week i was given the opportunity to tell Katherine that she was the reason that i believed in God, and that is the best gift i've ever recieved. God did a lot in my life that week that brought me closer to Him.
Sooner than later, tenth grade came around. Everything was going great, my faith was at its highest point. I was happy.
Basketball started.
I could go in a LOT of detail about what happened in that season but i'd rather spend my time telling all of you what i learned from it. To make a long story short.. Basketball was my everything, It was my stress reliever, i found so much joy in playing it. i played more than i did my homework. it was 90% of my free time. It was number one in my life. until someone took that away from me: Ryan Tyna. He was my coach, and he made me hate the sport i loved because of how degrading he was to me, and all my teammates. It tore me down so much that i quit the team, even though he suspended me at the end. Because my attitude wasn't even with it. Because basketball became a chore. it became something i HAD to do, not wanted todo, That was the hardest 6 months of my life, because i had to walk away from a group of girls who were not only my sisters, but my teammates. I was fortunate enough to be going to a different school..
I now am currently enrolled in Mayfield High School. I've already been a part of their basketball program. there is so many mixed emotions because of that. Its been SO hard to find my confidence again. But, because of one man: Chip Bittecuffer, i found it. He has been nothing but supportive through EVERYTHING in my basketball career. He's one of the greatest influences in my life. Last week, i was trying to cope with everything that has happened. I asked myself, why has EVERYTHING been going so wrong? Why am i losing friends, why did basketball get taken.. and the list goes on. I thought. ya know what, i do know why.
When someone took the number one thing away from me in my life: Basketball, i had NOTHING to fall back on. My grades werent good enough, my friends were't true enough. whatever. But then i realized. Basketball is going to leave me on day. whether its my senior year of high school, or my senior year of college. One day i won't have it anymore, so then what? if i have nothing to fall back on. Thats when i realized that GOD NEEDS TO BE MY NUMBER ONE. because he will never leave me nor forsake me. everything that i put in front of him has left me, or hurt me, and thats why i've been so valnurable. because i didn't have a strong foundation. But now im building a foundation on my UNSHAKEABLE faith. and with an unshakeable foundation, you'll never be broken, because with God, ALL.THINGS.ARE.POSSIBLE,
Sydney
On October 1, 2010, when I ran away, was the first step to the rest of my life. That day i was sent a text from my friend Katherine, that changed my life forever. In it she said, "You've depended on yourself and your father to get you out of this bad situation and nothing has happened. Even if you're using God as a last resort, give it to Him because you wont be disappointed." To me that was the stupidest thing i'd ever heard. At that point i had zero faith in God. I thought if it's so true that God loved me so much, then why would he take away my mom, and replace her with the awful person that he did.That night, as a last resort, i prayed to God and i said "God if youre listening, please get me out of here." i said that every single day for a week. and sure enough on November 18, 2010 we were out. We were out of the house that i called home for 8 years. Darby and i were FINALLY free to live our lives. I was able to have my sister, and brother a part of my life. And i was aloud to have every one from my past come be a part of my present and future. and to me it was the biggest relief. That day i smiled and i meant it. i was for once actually happy. On November 18, 2010 i was laying in my new bed thinking about how excited i was to be out and realized that it was a miracle. i realized that God is real, i put faith in Him and i was out! that night, November 18, 2010 i fully dedicated my life to the Lord. Because i realized that the day that i looked for his guidence, that i was happy.
Time went on and i was still eager to find out who God was. and the more i found out, the more i loved. The school year ended and Pittsburgh Project was right around the corner. I knew that week was going to be very life changing, but i didn't know how. That week i was given the opportunity to tell Katherine that she was the reason that i believed in God, and that is the best gift i've ever recieved. God did a lot in my life that week that brought me closer to Him.
Sooner than later, tenth grade came around. Everything was going great, my faith was at its highest point. I was happy.
Basketball started.
I could go in a LOT of detail about what happened in that season but i'd rather spend my time telling all of you what i learned from it. To make a long story short.. Basketball was my everything, It was my stress reliever, i found so much joy in playing it. i played more than i did my homework. it was 90% of my free time. It was number one in my life. until someone took that away from me: Ryan Tyna. He was my coach, and he made me hate the sport i loved because of how degrading he was to me, and all my teammates. It tore me down so much that i quit the team, even though he suspended me at the end. Because my attitude wasn't even with it. Because basketball became a chore. it became something i HAD to do, not wanted todo, That was the hardest 6 months of my life, because i had to walk away from a group of girls who were not only my sisters, but my teammates. I was fortunate enough to be going to a different school..
I now am currently enrolled in Mayfield High School. I've already been a part of their basketball program. there is so many mixed emotions because of that. Its been SO hard to find my confidence again. But, because of one man: Chip Bittecuffer, i found it. He has been nothing but supportive through EVERYTHING in my basketball career. He's one of the greatest influences in my life. Last week, i was trying to cope with everything that has happened. I asked myself, why has EVERYTHING been going so wrong? Why am i losing friends, why did basketball get taken.. and the list goes on. I thought. ya know what, i do know why.
When someone took the number one thing away from me in my life: Basketball, i had NOTHING to fall back on. My grades werent good enough, my friends were't true enough. whatever. But then i realized. Basketball is going to leave me on day. whether its my senior year of high school, or my senior year of college. One day i won't have it anymore, so then what? if i have nothing to fall back on. Thats when i realized that GOD NEEDS TO BE MY NUMBER ONE. because he will never leave me nor forsake me. everything that i put in front of him has left me, or hurt me, and thats why i've been so valnurable. because i didn't have a strong foundation. But now im building a foundation on my UNSHAKEABLE faith. and with an unshakeable foundation, you'll never be broken, because with God, ALL.THINGS.ARE.POSSIBLE,
Sydney
Monday, March 19, 2012
Pain Is A Cycle
I strongly believe that pain comes in our life as a cycle. If we're not experiencing pain first hand, there is someone we're close to that is. God has a really interesting plan for my life, and I've found that out recently. As you all know my family and I have experienced immense amounts of pain from my mom dying. But pain is temporary, it never fully goes away, but it gets a lot easier. I've used this tragedy to help me with so many things. It's made me find a lot of strength within myself to help others get through their own pain
Ya know, helping people has just been something that i like to do. It's really important that people know that i don't look at anyone in a lesser for, just because the things that cause them pain isn't as severe as a mom dying. I believe that pain is pain. It's temporary. I even go through things, that i feel that are harder than losing a mom, and that's only because that pain isn't constant. I admire those who constantly show strength and courage through their actions. I try to do that as well. I'm going to continue to follow the path that God set for me, and help people get through pain. You'd be surprised by the amount of people you can help,by simply just opening up your heart.And through all this, you can share the word of God. That's why i know i'm following God's plan. I know my mom looks down on me with a smile. Her favorite bible verse was "'I know the plans I have for you.' Declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"
That's what i'll do, follow God's plan. That's what my mom wants for my life, because if I follow his plan, she'll know i lived my life to the fullest.
Ya know, helping people has just been something that i like to do. It's really important that people know that i don't look at anyone in a lesser for, just because the things that cause them pain isn't as severe as a mom dying. I believe that pain is pain. It's temporary. I even go through things, that i feel that are harder than losing a mom, and that's only because that pain isn't constant. I admire those who constantly show strength and courage through their actions. I try to do that as well. I'm going to continue to follow the path that God set for me, and help people get through pain. You'd be surprised by the amount of people you can help,by simply just opening up your heart.And through all this, you can share the word of God. That's why i know i'm following God's plan. I know my mom looks down on me with a smile. Her favorite bible verse was "'I know the plans I have for you.' Declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"
That's what i'll do, follow God's plan. That's what my mom wants for my life, because if I follow his plan, she'll know i lived my life to the fullest.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Holly's Lights Re-ignite
wow.. that's the only thing that comes to mind. My dad has been nominated for man of the year for the Leukemia lymphoma Society.
It's amazing the things that God puts in our lives to make us reconnect with people who we've left.. Tonight was a sad night. I saw so many people I used to know. unfortunately it's been so long. it makes me mad that one person could take so many people out of my life. Kelly Johnson may have won the battle but not the war. I knew I would never forget my mom.. no one can ever take something that loves you so much, out of you..
But now it's time to go. we're on a mission to raise 100,000 dollars by May 4th.. and I don't see it as a challenge.. The team my dad put together "Holly's lights Re-ignite" is liked with passionate people who love my mom and my family. I'm so excited to see what we make of this.
Keep our team in your prayers.
Opportunities to donate will be posted later. thanks
It's amazing the things that God puts in our lives to make us reconnect with people who we've left.. Tonight was a sad night. I saw so many people I used to know. unfortunately it's been so long. it makes me mad that one person could take so many people out of my life. Kelly Johnson may have won the battle but not the war. I knew I would never forget my mom.. no one can ever take something that loves you so much, out of you..
But now it's time to go. we're on a mission to raise 100,000 dollars by May 4th.. and I don't see it as a challenge.. The team my dad put together "Holly's lights Re-ignite" is liked with passionate people who love my mom and my family. I'm so excited to see what we make of this.
Keep our team in your prayers.
Opportunities to donate will be posted later. thanks
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The hardest night to sleep
January 3rd is ALWAYS a hard night to go to bed. I always dread waking up January 4.. Especially tomorrow. Tomorrow is 10 years since the day my mom died. When that day comes around every year she never leaves my head, no matter how hard i try to think of someone else.. Just keep my family in your prayers. We really are gonna need it. I love you mommy. I'm happy you're not in pain anymore
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