When i was six years old my main worries were Blue's Clues, Barney, and Nsync. I never thought that the first time I would find out what Non- Hodgkins Lymphoma was, it would be because I would find out my mom was diagnosed with it! I don't remember what age I was when I actual understood what cancer was, but it was never something I thought was good. I don't remember being sad a lot back then, I don't remember a lot about it, just the main things that happened.
I found out that my mom was going to die on a Sunday morning before church. I don't know if i cried, i don't remember the emotions. She sat on her hospital bed, that was now in our living room to make things easier, as far as i was concerned, and she sat Darby & I up on the bed and told us. I remember Darby burying herself into my dads arms, and I don't remember my reaction, besides the part where i told my mom she had bad breathe (I was a little brat).
Church that morning I had so many people come up to me, a lot of them i had no clue who they were, but they all said that they were there for me. I still didn't fully understand. I was just like, "Okay, cool?"
Everything between that day and January 4,2002 was a blur. I remember a TON of people sitting at my house, and Darby and i were about to go to Girl Scout Retreat for the night. My dad knew that was her night she would leave us. I don't know if it was just a coincidence that we wouldn't be there that night but I'm almost positive my dad wouldn't have had us been there anyways. I was picked up the next morning from the retreat because I was sick, and that's when i found out. I'll never forget the words that were said to me...Life INSTANTLY changed. You lose a best friend, a role model, supporter, a mom and your life just feels empty no matter how many people try to make it feel better.
To this day i don't remember ever getting to say goodbye, which follows me everyday. One last hug, one last "i love you" that's all i want. Unfortunately that's plan is gonna be turned down. Everyday when I struggle with this i think of my mothers favorite verse Jeremiah 29:11 "'For i know the plans i have for you,' Declares the Lord. " Plans to prosper not to harm you, plans for a HOPE and a FUTURE.'"
One day we'll meet again, and it will be the most familiar thing I'll ever do, because the love she has for me, will always be in my heart <3
Syd<3
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