Someone else's take

I have a friend who I had a good talk about faith with, and what my faith meant to me now-a-days. I admitted that unfortunately, the only reason I keep my relationship with God right now is because I have to stay connected to my mom. She, being a writer, wrote something that i'd like to share. It certainly made me think..

“Your mother is not in heaven, looking down on you. She is not watching over you and talking with Jesus. She is in the bush of roses you double glanced at this morning on your walk to school, she is in the clouds that shield your eyes from the sun when you’re driving, she is the voice in your head that tells you something isn’t right and you should just stay in tonight. She is the sunny day after it has rained for too long and she is the song that is stuck in your head. She’s the ten bucks you find in the pocket of your jeans after you put them on for the first time in months. She is laced in your veins and right beside you holding your hand. She is hugging you when you’re happy and holding you when you cry. Why would you chose to believe that she is up in the sky and that you’ll see her one day when you can open your eyes and see that she is everywhere, right now. She never left you and she never will. She’s never going to walk up to you in human form, but I can promise you she is more alive than you think. She’s in the air that you breathe. She is here, she is here, she is here.”

Iris

Today as I was taking a long car ride home from Pennsylvania, i was going through all of the CD's i had in my car. A lot of them were older songs that i hadn't listened to in a long time, so i was interested in seeing what was going to play. One of the CD's wasn't made my me it was made by my sister. On it was a band called Paradise Fears, a band that no one, including myself, seemed to ever hear of. As i was going through the CD the last song was of the band singing a cover to the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls; I listened.
About a year and a half ago, one of my best friends was living in one of the hardest times in her life. At that time i was new to becoming friends with her, i was learning who she was in that hard time filled with a lot of heartache. Throughout that time she always had me listen to the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. She always said that particular song described how she felt, and if i'm being honest, i never fully understood what she meant.
A year and a half later I'm driving down a road, listening to that song, and finally connecting to it the way she did. The lyrics say "when everything's meant to be broken, i just want you to know who i am." That line by itself hit me the hardest. As i continued to listen to the song, and reflect exactly what the words were saying, it hit me. Everything that is in this world is put on the world with flaws. And in the world we live in, those flaws, hardships, and struggles, will cause us all to break. But, if "everything's meant to be broken," what's important is that we never lose sight of who we are. And we make such a permanent impact on peoples' lives that no matter how broken we become, no one forgets who we truly are.
I can say that since the middle of August, i've been broken. Time after time i've found myself disappointed, hurt, confused, or let down, and after a while, there is only so much i can take. More recently, my struggles have consisted of the things that i love; basketball, my mom, etc. It's been hard. You feel alone in a world where you have hundreds of people by your side and it's seems that only one, or two of them could ever help you. That's where i was. But i learned something. If everything is meant to be broken, why do we act as if brokenness is a bad thing? In some cases, yes, it's painful. But broken things become new things, stronger things, less fragile things. I've had my heart broken plenty of times for one life time. No, not by a silly boyfriend, but by my mom dying, my life going down the direction it did, by basketball, by so many things. Every time my heart has broken, it's come back together, and now, it's something less fragile. I'm okay with that. But now, i'm to the point where i'm not going to let my life stay broken. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of watching life keep moving while i'm standing still. I have so many people who count on me to wake up everyday stronger, and with a smile. My mom being one of them.
Nonetheless, it's okay to break, it's okay to become weak sometimes, but it's how we react that matters. And i've chosen to make my reaction positive. I've chosen to keep moving even when it would be easier to just give up and feel sorry for myself. But, one wise person told me that it's about time i stopped feeling sorry for myself, and took initiative in my own life. And you better believe that i'm going to listen.
Thank You Ky 11/2/13
-Sydney

I'm okay

I sit here in front of a blank page, thinking about what to say to properly explain the emotion that I currently experience about my mom. the best way to say it is... Im okay. this is the first time in a while where I'm content. I don't know if this is just a stage of emotion,
or it's just really getting easier. Through out the past 3 years that I've written in my blog, I've talked about how my moms love flows through my heart, and it does.
and I'm completely sure of that. although my mom isn't here physically here. I still feel her presence, and I think that's just in my heart: but I'm happy.
I continue to look at my tattoo and I'm honored to have that symbol that's constantly a part of me. people ask me what my tattoo is. it's opens up the conversation of who my mom is, was, or why she's important. my mom is a tool that I have to change people's lives.
I love you mom!

Lately...

lately... life has been interesting, and that's the best way to put it. so many things have gone on that I don't really even know where to start...
ill start with Sunday..
Sunday, I went to a wake. My Coach's wife's mom died.. I walked in there very subtle out of respect. but as soon as I recognized his wife, the body in the casket, and my coach... emotions started. it's was the first time in a long time where I had to hold back tears. I understood, out of every other person in that room, I had to be the one to understand the way that My Coach's wife was hurting. soon after I was there I was standing there with a few girls from my team, and his wife. she talked about her mom, she talked about how her mom was in so much pain.. the next thing she said was one of the hardest things to hear.. she said how her mom was sad that shed never get the chance to meet her grandchildren that were yet to come. I think of that alot.. my husband, my kids, my friends, they'll never ever meet my mom. and that alone breaks my heart. and the last thing she said to me was what made me lose it.. she said that she watched the life slip out of her moms and I did the same thing 11 years ago... it's the hardest picture to have in my head. and I wish I knew how to get that out. every time I looked at the casket it killed me, because that's the way I last saw my mom. Twares wife was so strong to be able to look behind her at the casket her mom laid in. it killed me to watch.

right now is such a hard time. Christmas is coming, my moms birthday is 12 days away, and the 11 year anniversary of her death is less than a month away. it's safe to say she's on my mind.. but in reality she engraved in my heart. it's never gonna leave. which is okay, but I wish it didn't hurt so much. my life scares me, it scares me because sometimes I think I can't go on without her, and I wish I didn't think that way. I've had to call on god a lot. I know she's looking down on me with a smile. but it's killing me. why can't she be next to me, smiling?
the word "Why" constantly goes through my head: why why why..
I wish I knew, but I don't. that's where god comes in. I trust his plan for my life. and I trust that what is happening is what's supposed to happen, but that doesn't make the loss of my strength, best friend, inspiration, and mom any easier. mom, as I always say. the love you have for me constantly flows through my heart. PLEASE, PLEASE don't let my love leave your heart. it's more love than I've ever given, and more love than I will probably ever give. you're special. that's why you have a special, irreplaceable part of my heart, it's for you, and you alone.
I love you mom.

This I believe...

This IBelieve…

            If someonewere to ask me what the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my life was, I wouldn’treally be able to pick one. Every day I go through a situation that teaches mesomething new about myself, others, or my purpose on this earth. Although someof these situations aren’t good, I know that in the end I’ll be taught a veryvaluable lesson. Everything that happens in life is meant to teach me a veryvaluable lesson.

            When I waslittle I never had a care in the world, I never knew all of the bad things thatwere happening in my life, specifically with my mom. When I was six my mom wasdiagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I had no idea that I could lose my momto this disease. Initially the diagnosis was positive, or as positive as acancer diagnosis could be. After multiple rounds of then, cutting edgechemotherapy, two stem cell transplants, most people have a hard time survivingone, and a medical bill of almost one million dollars, my mom died. January 4,2002 was the most life changing day I’ve ever experienced. I lost my bestfriend, my inspiration, my everything. I would never again have a mom I wouldever be able to gleam wisdom from. This situation is never easy, but I do knowthat my mom is in heaven for a reason. I know that I wouldn’t be as strong as Iam, without this tragedy in my life. In fact, I’ve learned that even though mymom may have died, she’s still always with me. She may have left in a physicalaspect. But the love she has for me has never, and will never leave my life.That constant, unconditional love in my heart is what gets me through everyday.

            Losing a momisn’t easy in any way at all, but I have learned how to make it a littleeasier. I live my life 110% dedicated to Jesus Christ. With that come so manybenefits. I know that He is willing to take away my problems or struggles. Ilook to Him at all times because I know my mom isn’t here for a reason. I maynot know that reason yet, but one day I’ll find out. My mom was the strongestwoman I’ve ever met, she never gave up, and she always did everything to makesure God looked down and smiled. She is truly the inspiration to my life, andthe greatest person I’ve ever met. Without going through what I have, I knowthat I wouldn’t be where I am today. I believe fully and truly that everythinghappens for a reason.

CVCA Reflection

My ninth and tenth grade year are two years that i will NEVER ever forget. Those two years were absolutely key in my life, in every single aspect. My ninth grade year was one of the hardest years i lived through. That year i started a new high school, and not knowing many people. I felt warmly welcomed at CVCA but it was VERY different from what i was used to. It never felt like school. At hudson, school was a chore. At cvca i enjoyed being around people who were living for the Lord. The difference that that alone made in my life was extreme. That year, in October, the divorce started. On October 1,2010 I ran away from my home, and went to go live with my sister. I had enough of what i was living through. and that was my last resort. My sister Kelly is my life saver, my inspiration, my role model, and the best mother figure in my life. Without her my family would not be where it is today. we've recently started to call her "The Voice of Reason" because she always seems to have a solution. Kelly always knew that the situation that Darby and I were living in was not healthy for us. She did everything in her power to get us out. She was there through every possible situation. Without her, i would not be the person i am today.
On October 1, 2010, when I ran away, was the first step to the rest of my life. That day i was sent a text from my friend Katherine, that changed my life forever. In it she said, "You've depended on yourself and your father to get you out of this bad situation and nothing has happened. Even if you're using God as a last resort, give it to Him because you wont be disappointed." To me that was the stupidest thing i'd ever heard. At that point i had zero faith in God. I thought if it's so true that God loved me so much, then why would he take away my mom, and replace her with the awful person that he did.That night, as a last resort, i prayed to God and i said "God if youre listening, please get me out of here." i said that every single day for a week. and sure enough on November 18, 2010 we were out. We were out of the house that i called home for 8 years. Darby and i were FINALLY free to live our lives. I was able to have my sister, and brother a part of my life. And i was aloud to have every one from my past come be a part of my present and future. and to me it was the biggest relief. That day i smiled and i meant it. i was for once actually happy. On November 18, 2010 i was laying in my new bed thinking about how excited i was to be out and realized that it was a miracle. i realized that God is real, i put faith in Him and i was out! that night, November 18, 2010 i fully dedicated my life to the Lord. Because i realized that the day that i looked for his guidence, that i was happy.
Time went on and i was still eager to find out who God was. and the more i found out, the more i loved. The school year ended and Pittsburgh Project was right around the corner. I knew that week was going to be very life changing, but i didn't know how. That week i was given the opportunity to tell Katherine that she was the reason that i believed in God, and that is the best gift i've ever recieved. God did a lot in my life that week that brought me closer to Him.
Sooner than later, tenth grade came around. Everything was going great, my faith was at its highest point. I was happy.
Basketball started.
I could go in a LOT of detail about what happened in that season but i'd rather spend my time telling all of you what i learned from it. To make a long story short.. Basketball was my everything, It was my stress reliever, i found so much joy in playing it. i played more than i did my homework. it was 90% of my free time. It was number one in my life. until someone took that away from me: Ryan Tyna. He was my coach, and he made me hate the sport i loved because of how degrading he was to me, and all my teammates. It tore me down so much that i quit the team, even though he suspended me at the end. Because my attitude wasn't even with it. Because basketball became a chore. it became something i HAD to do, not wanted todo, That was the hardest 6  months of my life, because i had to walk away from a group of girls who were not only my sisters, but my teammates. I was fortunate enough to be going to a different school..

I now am currently enrolled in Mayfield High School. I've already been a part of their basketball program. there is so many mixed emotions because of that. Its been SO hard to find my confidence again. But, because of one man: Chip Bittecuffer, i found it. He has been nothing but supportive through EVERYTHING in my basketball career. He's one of the greatest influences in my life. Last week, i was trying to cope with everything that has happened. I asked myself, why  has EVERYTHING been going so wrong? Why am i losing friends, why did basketball get taken.. and the list goes on. I thought. ya know what, i do know why.
When someone took the number one thing away from me in my life: Basketball, i had NOTHING to fall back on. My grades werent good enough, my friends were't true enough. whatever. But then i realized. Basketball is going to leave me on day. whether its my senior year of high school, or my senior year of college. One day i won't have it anymore, so then what? if i have nothing to fall back on. Thats when i realized that GOD NEEDS TO BE MY NUMBER ONE. because he will never leave me nor forsake me. everything that i put in front of him has left me, or hurt me, and thats why i've been so valnurable. because i didn't have a strong foundation. But now im building a foundation on my UNSHAKEABLE faith. and with an unshakeable foundation, you'll never be broken, because with God, ALL.THINGS.ARE.POSSIBLE,

Sydney