Iris

Today as I was taking a long car ride home from Pennsylvania, i was going through all of the CD's i had in my car. A lot of them were older songs that i hadn't listened to in a long time, so i was interested in seeing what was going to play. One of the CD's wasn't made my me it was made by my sister. On it was a band called Paradise Fears, a band that no one, including myself, seemed to ever hear of. As i was going through the CD the last song was of the band singing a cover to the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls; I listened.
About a year and a half ago, one of my best friends was living in one of the hardest times in her life. At that time i was new to becoming friends with her, i was learning who she was in that hard time filled with a lot of heartache. Throughout that time she always had me listen to the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. She always said that particular song described how she felt, and if i'm being honest, i never fully understood what she meant.
A year and a half later I'm driving down a road, listening to that song, and finally connecting to it the way she did. The lyrics say "when everything's meant to be broken, i just want you to know who i am." That line by itself hit me the hardest. As i continued to listen to the song, and reflect exactly what the words were saying, it hit me. Everything that is in this world is put on the world with flaws. And in the world we live in, those flaws, hardships, and struggles, will cause us all to break. But, if "everything's meant to be broken," what's important is that we never lose sight of who we are. And we make such a permanent impact on peoples' lives that no matter how broken we become, no one forgets who we truly are.
I can say that since the middle of August, i've been broken. Time after time i've found myself disappointed, hurt, confused, or let down, and after a while, there is only so much i can take. More recently, my struggles have consisted of the things that i love; basketball, my mom, etc. It's been hard. You feel alone in a world where you have hundreds of people by your side and it's seems that only one, or two of them could ever help you. That's where i was. But i learned something. If everything is meant to be broken, why do we act as if brokenness is a bad thing? In some cases, yes, it's painful. But broken things become new things, stronger things, less fragile things. I've had my heart broken plenty of times for one life time. No, not by a silly boyfriend, but by my mom dying, my life going down the direction it did, by basketball, by so many things. Every time my heart has broken, it's come back together, and now, it's something less fragile. I'm okay with that. But now, i'm to the point where i'm not going to let my life stay broken. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of watching life keep moving while i'm standing still. I have so many people who count on me to wake up everyday stronger, and with a smile. My mom being one of them.
Nonetheless, it's okay to break, it's okay to become weak sometimes, but it's how we react that matters. And i've chosen to make my reaction positive. I've chosen to keep moving even when it would be easier to just give up and feel sorry for myself. But, one wise person told me that it's about time i stopped feeling sorry for myself, and took initiative in my own life. And you better believe that i'm going to listen.
Thank You Ky 11/2/13
-Sydney

I'm okay

I sit here in front of a blank page, thinking about what to say to properly explain the emotion that I currently experience about my mom. the best way to say it is... Im okay. this is the first time in a while where I'm content. I don't know if this is just a stage of emotion,
or it's just really getting easier. Through out the past 3 years that I've written in my blog, I've talked about how my moms love flows through my heart, and it does.
and I'm completely sure of that. although my mom isn't here physically here. I still feel her presence, and I think that's just in my heart: but I'm happy.
I continue to look at my tattoo and I'm honored to have that symbol that's constantly a part of me. people ask me what my tattoo is. it's opens up the conversation of who my mom is, was, or why she's important. my mom is a tool that I have to change people's lives.
I love you mom!