lately... life has been interesting, and that's the best way to put it. so many things have gone on that I don't really even know where to start...
ill start with Sunday..
Sunday, I went to a wake. My Coach's wife's mom died.. I walked in there very subtle out of respect. but as soon as I recognized his wife, the body in the casket, and my coach... emotions started. it's was the first time in a long time where I had to hold back tears. I understood, out of every other person in that room, I had to be the one to understand the way that My Coach's wife was hurting. soon after I was there I was standing there with a few girls from my team, and his wife. she talked about her mom, she talked about how her mom was in so much pain.. the next thing she said was one of the hardest things to hear.. she said how her mom was sad that shed never get the chance to meet her grandchildren that were yet to come. I think of that alot.. my husband, my kids, my friends, they'll never ever meet my mom. and that alone breaks my heart. and the last thing she said to me was what made me lose it.. she said that she watched the life slip out of her moms and I did the same thing 11 years ago... it's the hardest picture to have in my head. and I wish I knew how to get that out. every time I looked at the casket it killed me, because that's the way I last saw my mom. Twares wife was so strong to be able to look behind her at the casket her mom laid in. it killed me to watch.
right now is such a hard time. Christmas is coming, my moms birthday is 12 days away, and the 11 year anniversary of her death is less than a month away. it's safe to say she's on my mind.. but in reality she engraved in my heart. it's never gonna leave. which is okay, but I wish it didn't hurt so much. my life scares me, it scares me because sometimes I think I can't go on without her, and I wish I didn't think that way. I've had to call on god a lot. I know she's looking down on me with a smile. but it's killing me. why can't she be next to me, smiling?
the word "Why" constantly goes through my head: why why why..
I wish I knew, but I don't. that's where god comes in. I trust his plan for my life. and I trust that what is happening is what's supposed to happen, but that doesn't make the loss of my strength, best friend, inspiration, and mom any easier. mom, as I always say. the love you have for me constantly flows through my heart. PLEASE, PLEASE don't let my love leave your heart. it's more love than I've ever given, and more love than I will probably ever give. you're special. that's why you have a special, irreplaceable part of my heart, it's for you, and you alone.
I love you mom.
